Coming of Age at 50

I will tell you this: I wish this running life could have happened 30 years ago. But here we are. I came to running early this year - the last year in my 40s. Before this, my only athletic endeavor consisted of a short time playing soccer when I was 11 through 13, and much of that time consisted of sitting on the bench, because I just wasn’t very good. I have never been athletic (doctors liked to describe me as ‘frail’). I spent the better part of my 20s and 30s drinking, smoking, reading and writing, and occasionally doing a little yoga. From time to time, we would go on short hikes. I remember many years ago hiking Mount Washington and bursting into tears because it was “so hard.” I want to smack that girl right now! As a wise woman once said: Harden the fuck up!

It’s strange to become a “serious” trail runner just as you’re about to turn 50, especially if you’ve never been anything but a very average, non-athletic woman. It feels like you’re coming of age just as you ‘re entering the second part of your life. It feels odd, sort of like going in reverse. And it feels counter-intuitive to have lofty goals for a sport whose windows of opportunity become a little smaller as you get older. 

I am surrounded by a group of ultra-runners who are still peaking in their 50s, 60s and beyond, and I am so, so inspired by their achievements and who they are as human beings (I do believe that ultra-running makes you a better person - and I’m only half joking). I am reminded, however, of our different experiences - most have a lifetime of running under their 100-miler belt buckles. 

Still, I ran my first 50K a few months ago, and I can’t remember the last time I felt more acutely that I was exactly where I needed to be. And, yes, I want to run a 50-miler and I probably also want to run a 100-miler, and I hope my body can take me there. But I also feel like time is short and running out, and there is so much more running I want to do. Because in truth I don’t just want to run one 50-miler or one 100-miler, I want a lifetime to run as much as I want.

But here we are. The beginning of a new journey in the middle of my life journey. I know that to stay joyful in this adventure is not to look back at all the things I could have done or didn’t do, but to look forward at all the possibilities that lie ahead. And because I am coming of age in my middle age, I am making this up as I go along. I’m excited, kind of giddy really (like the teenage girl that comes out to play when I am running - a Buffy the Vampire Slayer kind of teenage girl!). After all, this discovery is a gift that’s filled holes I didn’t know were there, and I am forever grateful for every running moment that’s in front of me.